With the school year quickly fading to a distant memory, what does summer mean to a busy family…long car trips, fun outings, late nights, etc.? In a nutshell, the dog days of summer naturally bring much less structure and much more time TOGETHER! As exciting as togetherness can be, many mothers and fathers know the reality. “We are not on the same page,” a frequent theme we hear from parents when they are discussing raising their children. Differences in parenting styles are rooted from childhood history to adult knowledge and experience. It is no wonder that diverse belief systems can impact a family. When parents do not see eye to eye on every day issues with their children, it inevitably leads to a house plagued by inconsistency, unpredictability, and ultimately stress! That stress typically comes in the form of children who misbehave!
At a very young age, children become savvy as to how to handle each parent. They quickly pick up on the parent “who always gives in,” versus the one “who always says no.” For many children this can be confusing. While other children will often use this to their advantage to get what they want! Child development experts will often explain that the key to alleviating concerning behavior in the home is predictability and consistency. Children learn best in this type of environment as it allows them to have a feeling of security. When they know clearly what is expected of them from BOTH parents, they are more likely to cooperate and comply!
The first step is for parents to set aside the time to openly discuss concerns. Often times, everyone is coming and going with the packed activities of the day. It is easy to let things slide with the hope that tomorrow will be better. The reality is that for behavior to change in the children, the first change needs to start with the parents. Parents need to focus on the areas within their own styles that are the most different. Keep in mind that neither one of you has to totally abandon your own parenting philosophy, but you do have to find a compromised approach that is united!
The second step is to identify at least three goal areas to begin on your road to change.
As a couple, begin with generating a list problem areas in the home (i.e., bed times, appropriate T.V. shows, when do you consequence your child, etc.). From this list of concerns, prioritize your areas into your top three target goals with the understanding that you will tackle ONE area at a time. Be very specific and clear in how you to define each goal area. For example, bedtime on typical summer days will be at 7:30pm. This process helps to clarify behavioral expectations across each individual family member. Implementing solutions needs to be manageable and reasonable for both of you in order to build on your own success.
The last step is to sign a “Parent as One” Contract. Create a simple format whereby you both agree to “BE THE BEST PARTNERS YOU CAN BE!” Your simple format should include statements of behaviors that you expect from one another such as:
o We agree to follow the plan to ___________ as established by both of us.
o We agree to “let go” of the past and focus on the future.
o We agree to act as ONE when interacting with the children.
o We agree to support one another by acknowledging positive change and discussing any challenges privately.
Change does not happen overnight. In fact, research shows that it takes thirty days of consistency to make change happen. Although the hard work starts with the two of you, the payoff is for the entire family. Soak up the fun of summertime as you create new memories with a fresh perspective of togetherness!