On November 25th most of us will be sitting around our table with family, friends, and loved ones offering thanks for all of our blessings. This year, as we go around to each family member to state what we are thankful for, wouldn’t it be great to have our young ones present and accounted for at the table and participating with their own genuine gratitude? Last year, they were running around the dining room, flying a model airplane into Grandma’s new hair-do. Furthermore, wouldn’t it be remarkable this year to be thankful for your children’s manners? It is never too early or too late to teach your children manners!
As parents, we all wish for the “perfectly” behaved child. “Perfect” as defined in realistic terms, would be described as “well behaved.” This is great news because developing a “well behaved” child is an attainable goal! Today, we live in a society with ever-changing technology and gadgets which motivate many of our children. Along with the changes in technology, comes change in the way we all live. These days, when teaching our children new skills, we have a lot of competition. Computers, video games, and HD, fast-paced television, maintain the attention of our kids. Will lessons on learning manners sustain their attention as well? Think of creative and novel ideas to help teach the important skill of using manners. This will assist in focus on lessons and retention of skills.
Remember the good old question, “What’s the magic word?” Teaching children to use the magic words, “please,” “thank you,” and “excuse me” can be done by modeling the polite words in natural situations for your children. Like many other behaviors, children mimic what they see used in their every day environment by family members. Showing children your respectful expectations by example will often be enough for many children to know how they should act. So remember to treat your children with the same respect that you would like to see in return.
Another way to facilitate using the “magic words” is the USE MY WORDS™™ technique. In this technique, the parent simply states the appropriate “magic word” as if the child, them self, is responding with polite manners. For example, you present your 18 month old toddler with a Sippy cup full of milk that they requested. When you hand over the milk, you model the short phrase, “Thank you, Mommy” until they say it or give you an approximation to the same polite phrase. The USE MY WORDS technique can be used with children of all ages. It can even be done with some humor with your teenagers.
Another way to teach manners is through role play. Role playing offers children opportunities to use movement, creativity, and active problem solving. Therefore, these lessons can seem more like play than work. Here is how you can begin using role play.
First, consider the parents role playing a situation not involving the children yet, and create an absurd circumstance where the children are required to identify what is specifically wrong with the scenario. For example, during the natural dinner time, mom and dad role play a scenario at the kitchen table where the family is supposed to be eating. Dad then repeatedly stands up next to his chair and sits down, all the while mom is trying to eat her dinner. The children are, then, encouraged to identify the poor manners in the scenario. After identification of the problem, the children enter into the role play and act out the solution to the poor manner problem that was observed. The children can also be pressed to identify how others in the scenario perceived the poor manners. This assists in teaching children how to take the perspective of others.
Lastly, acknowledgement and reinforcement is proven to be effective in positive behavior change. Therefore, positive reinforcement for using good manners can help maintain newly learned skills. At the beginning, use frequent, specific, and enthusiastic reinforcement for manners. After a couple of days of observing and reinforcing the each appropriate manner, it is time to fade the reinforcement, so it becomes more natural. To begin the fading process, consider using intermittent reinforcement for observed manners. For example, you observe Sarah using “excuse me” three times during the day. On the third instance, Sarah is acknowledged by positive attention and a surprise pick at the cookie jar! Eventually, the tangible reinforcement is completely faded shaping the appropriate behaviors to be reinforced by intrinsic motivation.
Good manners are a sign of respect, a concern for others, and help set an overall good impression of your child. Using fun, creative, and novel measures to teach these skills can help retention of these lifelong attributes. Soon enough, these positive behaviors will naturally be a part of your child’s makeup and character. Then, before you know it, your child will be an adult, reflecting upon their positive childhood upbringing, and saying, “Thanks, Mom and Dad.”
In this technique, the parent simply states the appropriate “magic word” as if the child, them self, is responding with polite manners. For example, you present your 18 month old toddler with a Sippy cup full of milk that they requested. When you hand over the milk, you model the short phrase, “Thank you, Mommy” until they say it or give you an approximation to the same polite phrase. The USE MY WORDS technique can be used with children of all ages. It can even be done with some humor with your teenagers.