At a very young age, children become savvy as to how to handle each parent.  They quickly pick up on the parent “who always gives in,” versus the one “who always says no.”  For many children this can be confusing.  While other children will often use this to their advantage to get what they want!  Child development experts will often explain that the key to alleviating concerning behavior in the home is predictability and consistency.  Children learn best in this type of environment as it allows them to have a feeling of security.  When they know clearly what is expected of them from BOTH parents, they are more likely to cooperate and comply!

The first step is for parents to set aside the time to openly discuss concerns.  Often times, everyone is coming and going with the packed activities of the day.  It is easy to let things slide with the hope that tomorrow will be better.  The reality is that for behavior to change in the children, the first change needs to start with the parents.  Parents need to focus on the areas within their own styles that are the most different.  Keep in mind that neither one of you has to totally abandon your own parenting philosophy, but you do have to find a compromised approach that is united!

The second step is to identify at least three goal areas to begin on your road to change.
As a couple, begin with generating a list problem areas in the home (i.e., bed times, appropriate T.V. shows, when do you consequence your child, etc.).  From this list of concerns, prioritize your areas into your top three target goals with the understanding that you will tackle ONE area at a time.  Be very specific and clear in how you to define each goal area.  For example, bedtime on typical summer days will be at 7:30pm.  This process helps to clarify behavioral expectations across each individual family member.  Implementing solutions needs to be manageable and reasonable for both of you in order to build on your own success.

The last step is to sign a “Parent as One” Contract.  Create a simple format whereby you both agree to “BE THE BEST PARTNERS YOU CAN BE!”  Your simple format should include statements of behaviors that you expect from one another such as:
o We agree to follow the plan to ___________ as established by both of us.
o We agree to “let go” of the past and focus on the future.
o We agree to act as ONE when interacting with the children.
o We agree to support one another by acknowledging positive change and discussing any challenges privately.

Change does not happen overnight.  In fact, research shows that it takes thirty days of consistency to make change happen.  Although the hard work starts with the two of you, the payoff is for the entire family.  Soak up the fun of summertime as you create new memories with a fresh perspective of togetherness!

Image: Ambro / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

http://www.aacap.org/cs/root/facts_for_families/bullying

Most of the research that you can find on this difficult situation is from the eyes of the child that is being bully, or the victim. However, in looking at situations where bullying occurs, there are three separate perspectives to take into account. The perspective of the actual bully, the child that is being bullied, and the bystanders all play a role in how the situation is played out.
Bystanders are the other children that are witnesses to the bully relationship. They are not directly in the tormenting relationships. However, the bystander is around to know what is going on, and typically, feels uncomfortable by what is being observed. When interviewing a previous bystander that went through this personal experience, she was able to state the following: “You have two choices in a bully situation. You have the choice to be a friend of the bully or a quiet bystander, or to put yourself out there as a victim. And no one wants to be the victim!”
Therefore, more specific education that includes strategies for the bystander is also very important in changing outcomes of bully behavior and situations. Here are some steps to help support bystanders involved in these intimidating challenges.
• Encourage the bystander to ask other bystanders how they feel about what they have observed. Hearing the feelings that others are also uncomfortable, help validate the feelings of what is perceived as right or wrong. This can also help the bystanders feel a sense of togetherness with peers rather than feel isolated in their own feelings.

• As a group, the bystanders should connect with an adult in the area and/or at home. The more adults are aware of the situations, the more the adults can facilitate appropriate peer relationships and connections by helping to problem solve.

• Provide the bystanders with canned phrases that address their own feelings that they are having. For example, “What you are saying makes me feel ____.” or “We are all friends in this class.” A simple phrase that they can rehearse and repeatedly report to the bully will help the bystanders express their personal thoughts about the situation versus just standing by and doing nothing. This practice may even be able to encourage the victim with a canned phrase to respond to the bully.

• Connect with the victim and let the child who is being bullied know that it is okay to ask for help and support from peers and adults. Sometimes, victims have been caught in situations where they feel as though if they ask for help that the bullying will increase and intensify. From a victim’s perspective, it will be encouraging to hear from a peer’s shared perspective as well.

As a community, we need to continue to inform, educate, simulate, and counsel all about these social situations that are on the rise until we erase these relationships from the childhood experience!

As mothers, we greatly appreciate the generosity of our families on this special holiday; however mothers could use those kind gifts many days of the week.  Why rely on others to provide you with those feelings of peace and tranquility, when you can train your own brain to calm?  The following are four steps to take to promote calmness and rationality during everyday tasks involved in motherhood.

The first step to promote calm is to set goals.  Setting goals helps keep the frontal lobe, the part of the brain responsible for rational thought, focused on the task at hand.  The focus on goals helps to create structure out of chaos and keeps the emotional brain in check.  It is important to develop small attainable goals that build your personal success throughout the day.  For example, “I’m going to make it through breakfast.”  After breakfast the next goal is, “I’m going to make it through school drop off.”

The second step is to use visualization.  Think about the activities that make up your day by visualizing them the way you would ideally like them to play out.  The brain doesn’t know the difference between visualization and actual “real time.”  Picturing stressful situations provides you with an opportunity to give the activity a successful trial run.  Later on, when you go through the situation for real, the strategies come more naturally.

Using positive self-talk is the third step.  The average person talks to them self 300-1,000 words per minute.  If these words are positive instead of negative, they help override the strong emotional thoughts.  The frontal lobe, that houses rational thinking, is always “on.”  If we replace bad thoughts with good thoughts, we can flood the brain with positivity.

Finally, using deep breathing paired with the previous strategies assists to promote calmness.  Deliberate slow breathing helps combat some of the effects of frustration and anger.  Long exhales in particular help mimic the body’s relaxation process and get more oxygen to the brain for clearer thinking and better performance. 

As wonderful as motherhood is, the reality is that the days can be filled with tension and stress.  Don’t wait for that thoughtful gift from others to provide you with the tranquility, peacefulness, and calmness that you deserve.  Today and every day, give a gift to yourself…train your brain!

What do you do to help promote your own calm and rationale during your days? Let us know in the comments below.

Overall, children lie for three different reasons. First, the “lie” or “story” may be directly linked to fantasy. Young children, often through the age of five, have a very vivid imagination. There is often a blur between what is reality, what is fantasy, and even what they wish would be true. Exaggerating the truth or creating grandiose stories is developmentally appropriate at this age. We encourage parents to allow for some of the fantasy talk, but also gently remind the child about what is pretend or a wish. For example, “I know you love Curious George, but he is not our real pet.” Following your factual sentence to address the embellishment, we encourage you to engage in additional conversation that would be of interest to them. “Do you think it would be fun to have a pet monkey? Where would he sleep? Would he eat all of our bananas?” Having some fun with your child’s fantasies is harmless.

Second, a child may use a “lie” to avoid punishment by denying or transferring the responsibility to someone else. Children often react out of feelings of guilt, anxiety, and shame, as they frequently know their parents will be upset or disappointed with their behavior. Keep in mind that a preschooler might also “lie,” even when they are caught in the act. Many times, they are unaware that they are lying. In their minds, they wish that they had not colored all over your walls and therefore they did not do it!

One of the most important suggestions for parents is to articulate the message to children that telling the “truth” is most important. Another suggestion would be that if your child does “lie” to remember this is not a personal attack on you and to remain calm. Overreacting in these situations can actually increase lying behavior as the fear of your reaction may lead to more dishonesty. A proactive first step would be to create a rule in the home that specifically states your expectations about telling the truth as a responsible family member.

So how do we present consequences to untruthfulness? As a recommendation for children ages six to ten years of age would be to provide them with a natural consequence. For example, if your son lied about brushing his teeth, as a natural consequence he must stop what he is doing and immediately brush his teeth. If he is late for his soccer practice, that is an immediate result of his dishonesty. For ages ten years and older, there should be two consequences; a natural consequence of repairing the “lie” and a direct consequence for lying. This direct consequence for lying could be an apology note, grounding, etc.

When children reach adolescence, lying becomes something entirely different. By this time, adolescence know of the difference between right and wrong, and for the most part know that there are consequences to telling lies. Mostly, adolescents tell lies to protect their privacy, spare someone’s feelings, avoid embarrassment, and avoid non-preferred activities such as chores or homework.

The last reason is that the lying becomes a compulsion- a way to deal with the world around them. When you are finding that your child is habitually lying, you will have to consistently give consequences to the child. If you find yourself concerned that your child may have difficulty distinguishing right from wrong, you may want to consider following up with a counselor or other trained professional.

As parents we can set high expectations of truthfulness in the home. By setting positive examples of keeping your word, apologizing if a promise has to be broken, and being very cautious with little “white lies” in the home. However, attempting dishonesty is a way that children learn about how the world works. Children will try to lie on occasion. As parents our job is to decipher what kind of lie your child used and respond appropriately.

If you ask almost any parent, they will openly tell you that they have a “witching hour” each day with their children! That time of the day that they see the most resistance from their children and the time of the day that it takes a whole lot more effort on their part to get any sort of cooperation! Sometimes it is the start of the day, the hectic part of morning when everyone needs to get up, get ready, have breakfast, and get out the door…all in a flash! Some parents feel like they spend the mornings barking orders like a drill sergeant without any willing “recruits!” Other parents report the time right after school up through the dinner hour as their time of stress. After a busy day for everyone, the kids all seem like they crave your undivided attention while homework needs to be done, the house needs to be organized, and dinner needs to be made! It feels like you are running a three ring circus full of action and chaos, minus the fun! Whatever the time of day, know that you are in good company! Whether your household has a stay at home mom or dad, or working parents, let’s face it…there is that time when no one feels at their best!

So, how can your family not only survive, but possibly even enjoy the “witching hour?” The first answer is to start to think about increasing the structure during these times of the day. No matter what your parenting style, creating specific routines during these times will prove to be very beneficial for everyone. Research shows that helping children know what to expect through routines can help them feel safe and secure. Feeling safe and secure will lead to increased compliance and cooperation. In addition, routines promote responsibility which will lead to healthy independence. Therefore, start by managing the time with a schedule by breaking it into short segments (15 minutes at a time) with very clear expectations for the children and for yourself. Some parents work well with a visual schedule for the family. Having a schedule posted can help to remove your constant reminders from the equation. The key to success is to teach what you want to see! The children should clearly know what will be expected from each family member!

Next, be creative about how you can get the children involved in what needs to get done. In the mornings, give specific jobs or responsibilities to help the children stay focused on what they need to accomplish. In addition to their self care routine, have someone be in charge of putting out the placemats for breakfast or letting out the family dog. Also, consider a helper to make breakfast! After school, be creative in having the children be involved in dinner. Even little ones can help tear lettuce or rinse vegetables while older kids can do some simple chopping. Little aprons, kid friendly kitchen tools and convenient step stools will help them feel more invested. For children that are craving some parent time this is a great opportunity to give them what they need, while accomplishing your own goal!

Third, be prepared! For the mornings, have as much done as possible to make for a smooth transition out the door. For example, you could help lay out clothes, pack backpacks, make lunches, and sign any forms the night before. Remember to involve the children by giving them age appropriate “jobs” to help complete these tasks. For after school, plan ahead of time for dinner as much as possible. Perhaps determine your menu for the week on Sundays. Consider some quick fix meals or even leftovers on those nights your family has a heavy schedule! When you’re not “winging it” all the time, your own stress level will be reduced dramatically.
Lastly, try to have some fun. For the morning time, consider encouraging siblings to work as a team. When they both have completed their personal routines and any “jobs,” then they BOTH can have a few minutes of free time before they leave for the day. Teamwork can allow the children to encourage and motivate one another. You may also want to consider an “out the door” incentive. Again if the routines are all completed with success, have the children pick from the “out the door” box for the car ride or even the bus- a special CD, a fun pair of sunglasses, an etch a sketch, or even a pair of binoculars can be an added bonus! Be sure that these rewards remain motivating by only using them at this time of the day! After school, be sure to schedule in a block of time to play with your children. Many children need the opportunity to reconnect with you after a long day. Plan some fun activities ahead of time and ENJOY! Giving your undivided attention by investing even fifteen minutes of your time with your children at this busy time of the day will be invaluable to them. So go ahead, keep bundled up awhile longer and forge ahead by taking the time to be creative and do some planning to turn your “witching hour” into a “winning hour” for your whole family.

Did you know that 62% of parents PLAY for less than one hour a day?  Play is an essential part of cognitive, language, social, emotional, and physical development.  What a wonderful opportunity to engage with your children and share in their personal growth.  Play is a child’s most important work, and you will understand why as we share some of the benefits of play. 

Play is a great opportunity for children to explore their environment and connect meaning to the world around them.  Playtime allows children to use their memory and imagination to develop scenarios using planning, creativity and organization.   Unstructured play offers opportunities to children to make decisions, share, negotiate, problem solve, manage emotions, and resolve conflict.  Play boosts language development, build self-confidence and self-esteem, while, at the same time, providing them with a sense of empowerment.  Furthermore, active play, like a game of hide-n-seek or Simon Says is a way of disguising true exercise as fun! 

Don’t all of these benefits make you want to throw down all of that never-ending work to be done around the house, turn off the TV, and just PLAY?  Well, do it!  Remember, even children tend to get sedentary during these winter months, but a great way to encourage play is to dive into those toys with them.  Here are some indoor and outdoor activities that you can schedule with your children to help get through these winter months. 

Indoor Activities

• Board Games (even the youngest children benefit from waiting and taking turns)
• Building with house hold items (cards, straws, paper plates, dominos)
• Collage (cutting pictures out of newspapers, magazines of different categories, e.g., colors, food groups, sports, holiday themes)
• Cooking (even the youngest of children can “dump” ingredients into the bowl)
• Dance Party (someone plays DJ and everyone dances to see who can come up with the best dance moves)

Outdoor Activities

• Community walks (discuss the rules about crossing the street safely and practice reading street signs)
• Follow the Leader (walking down the street after the leader and following the leader’s given directions)
• Obstacle courses (create an obstacle course out of things around the house)
• Planting/Gardening
• Scavenger Hunts

Yes, going outdoors, even in the cold temperatures, is recommended to revive and refresh our bodies.  Keeping temperatures and ages of children in mind, modify your activities as appropriate.  For example, your typical 45 minute scavenger hunt outside is reduced to 20 minutes depending on the temperatures.

Lifelong skills are not learned as a result of the numerous graduate degrees that you earn.   Rather these skills are learned beginning in the very first months of life…all through play!   During playtime, children and adults are actually engaged in learning activities.  So this winter, as the days get longer and the weather gets colder, we encourage you to drop everything and PLAY!

When Madison was in grade school, we were able to create a packed lunch that we were certain she would eat. Right!?….I can hear the snickering as I type.

How in the world did we accomplish this?…

By involving her in the process!

Together, we would look at the demands of her up-coming school schedule and create lunch ideas that would accommodate the task of sustaining, fueling and satisfying her. She was an active participant in creating and planning a weekly lunch menu and generating a grocery shopping list.

First, we set the criterion that each weekly menu would have to Balance Healthfulness and, of course, Appeal. So, “Madison’s Midday Menu Madness” had to satisfy Mom’s, “Five Food Finds” requirement and include one serving of each of the following categories: Dairy, Fruit, Protein, Whole-Grain and Vegetable.

This was the Catalyst for some Crazy Concoctions, not to mention, the Means for Madison’s love for food and desire to be in the kitchen with us at every turn.  Her lunch recipes were fearless, filling and fun, and fantastically fit the Five Food Find challenge.

The responses from the kids at her lunch table? Well, let’s just say they teetered on jealousy, curiosity, shock and nauseous, not to mention requests to, “Trade-Up!” But, she gobbled up her creations and started sharing recipes with friends and inspired others to get in the Kitchen with their Moms and Dads, too.

Even the pickiest of eaters and those with food allergies will devour the opportunity to decide for themselves, “What’s for lunch?” Letting your children make the decisions and take the lead in Lunch-Packing, offers them an opportunity to learn about food planning, preparation, nutrition and, hopefully, the love of cooking, creating and caring for themselves.

Here’s one of Madison’s earliest Creations, that she was able to share with Giada DeLaurentiis, for you to make with your hungry brood:

The Stick-Wich:  A Twist on the Traditional Sandwich:

Ingredients:

Wax Paper, a Multigrain Long Pretzel Rod, your favorite Low Fat String Cheese, thinly sliced all-natural Applegate Farm Deli Meat (Turkey Breast Works Best), a Red Romaine Lettuce Leaf (And-Or 2 Thin Slices of Red Bell Pepper) and Honey Mustard.

Directions:

1)      Wash your hands!

2)      Wax paper: Cut a 12 Inch Square and place shiny side down on a clean countertop.

3)      Applegate Farm Deli Meat or an “All Natural” brand from deli counter: Place 1-2 long slices of your favorite Deli Meat in the center of the Wax Paper overlapping with one inch overhang on the bottom and on the top.

4)      Red Romaine Lettuce Leaf: Remove the RIB and place 4-6 inch leaf on the center of the Deli Meat.

5)      String Cheese: Place Your Favorite String Cheese in the middle of the lettuce leaf.

6)      And the Secret weapon…A Long Pretzel Rod: Place Pretzel Rod right next to cheese,…hugging it tight, leaving 2 inches of the Deli Meat at the top, where the Pretzel Rod extends 2 inches past the Deli Meat at the bottom. This is your handle for the Stick-Wich.

7)      Fold the top 2 inches of the Deli Meat down over the top of Pretzel Rod, String Cheese and Lettuce Combo.

8)      Fold the Deli Meat from the left to the right over the Pretzel Rod and String Cheese.

9)      Hold the Pretzel Rod, String Cheese and Lettuce Combo in place and slowly and tightly roll to the right.

10)   Finally, fold the wax paper over the Stick-Wich and roll tightly to the left ….AND Secure the wax paper with favorite sticker.

11)   At Lunch, tear away the wax paper; top-down, like a BANANA, leaving 2/3^rds of the Stick-Wich wrapped to keep your hands clean and to hold for dipping.

Dip:

Pack with a serving of Homemade Honey Mustard for Dipping. It’s super simple: 1 teaspoon of your favorite Mustard,..you can even get spicy here if you want and 1 teaspoon honey. Mix Well and Voila!

Fruit Kebab:

Combine with a Mixed Fruit Kebab (Grapes and Strawberries Work Best). Slide one of each fruit onto a coffee mixing straw or tooth pick, alternating each. Place in a Zip-Lock bag.

Pack:

Pack with a Semi-Frozen Low-Sugar Fruit Drink, wrapped in a Paper Napkin and placed in a Zip-Lock. The drink will thaw by lunch. The Zip-Lock will protect the paper LuNcHoLOgy Lunch Bag from seeping, the Napkin will capture the condensation and leave you with a wet-nap to wipe your hands before you eat lunch.

ENJOY!

Recycle, Reduce And Reuse !

Remember to place your plastic and paper left over items in your school’s recycling bins.

LuNcHoLOgy was launched by a Mom out of a need to help her homesick kindergartner get through the school day. What started with morphing ordinary brown bags into works of art combined with words of encouragement, funny factoids, riddles and jokes, evolved into a product line in the demand of schoolmates, parents, teachers and then, retailers.

Today, LuNcHoLOgy manufactures a variety of Eco-Friendly Educational, Entertaining and Inspirational Lunch Packing Products. Our Signature Line; LuNcHoLOgy Lunch Bags which can help kids weather a variety of different school days or just give them a dose of home in the middle of the day, when they need it most, not to mention, with LuNcHoLOgy, kids are learning at lunch when they don’t even realize it.

Together with that homesick kindergartener, daughter Madison who is now in high school, this Dynamic Duo has turned their attention from the cool designs and facts on the Outside of LuNcHoLOgy Lunch Bags to what Kids, Moms and Dads pack for the Inside.  In Fact, in 2008, LuNcHoLOgy launched the: “We’re Kids and We’re Cook-in” Stage Show, which tours across the US inspiring families to get in the kitchen together to create deliciousness and build skills and memories to last a lifetime.

Together with SchoolKidz, Kristi and Madison will bring you: Hands-on-Healthy, Fun-Tastic and Kid-Friendly Lunch Recipes, Funky Food Factoids and Interviews with Celebrity Chefs with whom Kristi and Madison have shared Kitchen Stages, …..And Much More!

Visit us at:http://www.Lunchology.com
Stage Show Debut in LA 2008 – Launching a Family Business

As we unfold our new found “positives,” how can we share them with our children?  We can start with giving POSITIVES to them in the most meaningful way.  Praise is the way we express approval or admiration to our children. We all know it is a great strategy to “catch our kids being good.” But how can you give messages of significance to your children?  Keep in mind that even at a young age, praise should always be connected to important character traits, values, and /or behaviors that you want to see in your home.  “Good boy or good girl” alone do not attach a message that gives specific information. Instead, give POSTIVES that are explicit such as: “You and your sister are playing so well with that toy, that is great sharing!” “You cleaned up your toy room when I asked you to, that is responsible!” “I see how hard you worked on your homework, that’s great determination!” These types of POSITIVES reinforce our expectations, thus becoming more meaningful to everyone!

Positives and negatives are simply directions. Which direction will you choose for you and your family in this New Year! Maintaining the POSITIVES in your own mind and sharing the POSITIVES with your children will certainly assist all of you on the path to success and happiness! Happy New Year from all of us at ABC MOMS!

You can start the GIVE List at an early age. By age 3, your toddler is starting to understand about various holidays and what they represent to your family. This is a great time to start to teach your little one about the importance of giving to others. How can we do this? Your toddler’s GIVE List will be a “give away” activity. Set the stage for success with this activity by getting your young children excited and interested in the idea of being generous and giving to other children who may not be as fortunate. Work together to sort through their toys. Have your child set aside a specific number of toys based on their age – one toy for each year. These toys will be donated! Don’t worry about what toy they pick- our focus will be on the action of giving. After you have collected the “give away” toys, have your child help you box them up. Go as a family to your local donation truck and have your child hand off the “give away” box! Want to really reinforce this message? This year when you write that Wish List letter to Santa, be sure to write all about your “give away” project. Wouldn’t Santa be impressed? Don’t stop there; tell Grandma, Grandpa, and Aunt Susie too!

For school aged children, have them put their creativity to good use. Creating holiday cards is a great activity for boys and girls at this age. First you will want to select some people to send the cards to! A great idea to make this exercise more meaningful is to think of those people that help your family such as: the school crossing guard, a lunchroom monitor, the garbage man, or the postman. Pull out some old magazines, construction paper, stickers, glitter, and markers. Encourage your child to design some unique holiday cards with a special, personalized message. Discuss the importance of showing appreciation to the people in our lives. Giving kindness, thoughtfulness, and consideration are gifts that people will treasure.

Challenge your middle school and high school aged kids to use their creativity to find a way to give back to someone during this holiday season. Set the expectation that each child will “give” their time to at least one individual/neighbor. They could accomplish this by shoveling a neighbor’s driveway, babysitting a relative, or wrapping gifts for an elderly family friend. Allow for independence and ownership of this activity by letting your child determine the gift and who will receive it!

Parents can show their investment in their children’s GIVE lists by matching them. Parents can donate some of their own belongings, create their own custom cards for special people, and/or give their time by helping others who need it! Show your children how to include the spirit of giving into their holiday wishes. Developing a family focus of GIVING for the holiday season will create a meaningful tradition and instill positive values that can last a lifetime!

Image: renjith krishnan / FreeDigitalPhotos.net